Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crikey, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
TOP: "Mild magic... not bad!"
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
TOP: "Bit of a kick."
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk as a skunk from all of the beer.
TOP: "That one bites..."
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT (...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating...). Is it chili or an aphrodisiac?
TOP: "I take that back. This ONE really bites!"
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really farks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
TOP: "Oh, the pain, the woe..."
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that skank Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
TOP: "Oh my lord, I can't breath..."
Chili #7: Sandy's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like slurry to match my shirt. At least after the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.
TOP: "Where are the frick'in BEANS ?!$?&$?!"
Chili #8: Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?