HUMOUR: "The Chili That Bit Back!" (14 December 2007)

.

TOP: The Great Chili Cook-Off!

Hi Everyone,

Quick post today: A great joke that, if you've ever been to a Chili Cook-Off, you may be able to relate to...

*** LANGUAGE ALERT: Some potentially adult language in this joke. Read at your own peril. ***

The Great Chili Cook-Off!

NOTE: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

TOP: "Mmm, mmm... looks good!"
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crikey, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

TOP: "Mild magic... not bad!"
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

TOP: "Bit of a kick."
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk as a skunk from all of the beer.

TOP: "That one bites..."
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT (...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating...). Is it chili or an aphrodisiac?

TOP: "I take that back. This ONE really bites!"
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really farks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

TOP: "Oh, the pain, the woe..."
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that skank Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

TOP: "Oh my lord, I can't breath..."
Chili #7: Sandy's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like slurry to match my shirt. At least after the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.

TOP: "Where are the frick'in BEANS ?!$?&$?!"
Chili #8: Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Many thanks to my friend Stephane Armande at work.

Also, please wish me luck today! I have a big job interview, which if I can get the job, will mean a major pay raise.

Have a great Friday!

Shalom,

Maksim-Smelchak.

Notes regarding photos / pictures / videos: These are not all my images and videos. I am using various images and videos from around the web, mostly from public sources and/or private sources used with permission. I have tried to include only images and videos under public domain, creative commons, or fair use. If I have inadvertently violated any copyrights, please inform me and I will remove your image/s (if it is indeed an infringement).