HUMOUR: Drek'ish Jokes & Films (30 March 2007)

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Hi Everyone,

Despite my good intentions to get a couple of gaming session reports up and please my gaming friends and readers, I've been distracted by work... and, well... some other things. Among them is the below joke that a friend sent me:

THE MASTER GENEALOGY OF JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE:
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.

REMEMBER:
LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

I've always enjoyed this sort of humour... even if I probably ought NOT to!


Hearing this joke reminded me of one of my favorite actors: Rutger Hauer

And the movie it reminded me of was "Blind Fury," a 1989 movie that I still recall fondly.

Learn more about it here:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096945/

In one scene in the movie, two hillbilly brothers are hunting the Rutger Hauer character and at one point, they're trapped in an elevator when all of a sudden, the doors open and the Hauer character stabs the elevator box (...with a Katana... long story), causing a short circuit and trapping them, to which they reply with this witty and brilliant dialogue:

Lyle Pike: Sh*t!
Tector Pike: F*ck!
Lyle Pike, Tector Pike (Looking at each other together to say): Sh*t-f*ck!

Of course, all hillbilly brothers have names like Lyle and Tector Pike...

Instant crystal-clear recall!

Pretty sad to think that I wasted precious grey cells remembering that one.

Rutger Hauer has been in some other great movies including the sci-fi cult classic "Blade Runner" adapted from the Phillip K. Dick story "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?"


Learn more about Dick and his story "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" here:
http://wsu.edu/~brians/science_fiction/bladerunner.html

Have a great Friday and a Shabbat Shalom to my Jewish readers!

Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.

P.S.
Thanks for the joke, Stephen and Jodi!

P.S.S.
Reminds me of the ol' joke about the Lipshitz Diamond...

And if you must know the ol' joke about the Curse of The Lipshitz Diamond, check out this link:
http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/89q4/curse.907.html

Notes regarding photos / pictures: These are not all my images. I am using various images from around the web, mostly from public sources and/or private sources used with permission. I have tried to include only images under public domain, creative commons, or fair use. If I have inadvertently violated any copyrights, please inform me and I will remove your image/s (if it is indeed an infringement).

PERSONAL NEWS: Going To the Jerusalem of Aviation! (26 March 2007)

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The Air & Space Smithsonian Museum in Washington DC.

Hi Everyone!

Things have been VERY busy lately… have had a number of demanding cases at work presently.

I’ve gotten in a good amount of gaming lately… MWS meeting, gaming adventures with Vynnie of RIF and his posse, boardgaming with my sister’s family, enjoyed “The 300” at a IMAX theatre, and much more! I have links to the MWS gaming club, Vynnie's site Recon In Force (RIF), and many other links on the right side bar.

I thought that this photo was not only a clever Photoshop job, BUT hilarious!

To my knowledge, Hello Kitty, does not manufacture firearms, BUT...

If they did, I'd bet that they'd be this damn CUTE!

I’ve felt guilty about not posting lately, but Life TM is life! I have at least two battle reports with photos coming, a few movie reviews, some book reviews, as well as the rough drafts of several other posts.

The Air & Space Smithsonian Magazine... I subscribed for YEARS!

I also unfortunately missed this past Saturday’s gaming with the guys… something came up. Sorry, Gang!

The Sacramento Rivercats baseball team logo.

I’m also excited that my office is arranging to attend a Rivercats game in April… I hesitate to admit that I have never been to a professional baseball game, majors or minors, and I’m really looking forward to attending a game on Thursdays… apparently they have $1.00 USD hot dog and ice cream specials… Woo Hoo!

For more information about the Rivercats, please see this link:

http://www.rivercats.com/home/

A view from The Air & Space Smithsonian Museum Annex at a Washington DC airport.

On top of that, I’m super excited to have the opportunity to visit The Air & Space Smithstonian Museum next month… really looking forward to that, seeing DC, and visiting a good friend.

For more information about The Air & Space Smithsonian Museum, please see this link:

http://www.nasm.si.edu/

Have a great Monday!

Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.

Notes regarding photos / pictures: These are not all my images. I am using various images from around the web, mostly from public sources and/or private sources used with permission. I have tried to include only images under public domain, creative commons, or fair use. If I have inadvertently violated any copyrights, please inform me and I will remove your image/s (if it is indeed an infringement).

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS: Penicillin & Friendship (Lucky 13 March 2007)

. Hi Everyone,

I had a great weekend... saw "The 300" film and enjoyed it, got a ton of gaming in, enjoyed my brother-in-law's birthday party, and took plenty of photos, which I hope to share soon. But until then, I have the following to share...

Every now and then, a friend sends me something other than dirty jokes and I get such a smile out of what I receive that I decide to share it with others.... so here goes:

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.

One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel."Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of."

And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time?
Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman?
Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.

When I recieved this old yarn, I decided to fact check it and here's what I came up with:

The story is FALSE, a FABLE, an URBAN MYTH.

I still highly recommend checking out the Wikipedia entry on Sir Alexander Fleming, very interesting man. I've included the link below:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Alexander_Fleming

The popular story of Winston Churchill's father's paying for Fleming's education after Fleming's father saved young Winston from death is false. According to the biography, "Penicillin Man: Alexander Fleming and the Antibiotic Revolution" by Kevin Brown, Alexander Fleming is quoted as saying that this was "a wonderful fable". Nor did he save Winston Churchill himself during WWII. Churchill was saved by Lord Moran, using sulphonamides, since he had no experience with penicillin, when Churchill fell ill in Carthage in Tunisia in 1943. The Daily Telegraph and The Morning Post on 21 December 1943 wrote that he had been saved by penicillin. It is probable that, as sulphonamide was a German discovery, and there was a war with Germany, that the patriotic pride in the miracle cure of penicillin had something to do with this error in reporting.

However, I'm still a fan of the Churchills, even if they didn't have a hand in the discovery of penicillin. While they have had different viewpoints on one of my "hot button" issues, Israel, they have had a very good track record for supporting Israel. To that end, I can recommend the following book:

Churchill, Randolph S. and Winston S.
The Six Day War.
Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1967.

Churchill, Randolph S., and Winston S.
The Six-Day War.
N.Y.: Penguin, 1967.

There may be other editions of the book that I am not aware of. I have the Penguin edition.

And an article or two by or about Churchills:

My GRANDFATHER INVENTED IRAQ:
And He Has Lessons For Us Today
http://www.think-israel.org/churchill.html

THE LAST ROMANTIC ZIONIST GENTILE
http://www.winstonchurchill.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=726

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And here are a few axioms on how to achieve happiness:

A Few Axioms For Achieving Happiness:

- What goes around, comes around.

- Work like you don't need the money.

- Love like you've never been hurt.

- Dance like nobody's watching.

- Sing like nobody's listening.

- Live like it's Heaven on Earth!

It's National Friendship Week. Go figure!

And lastly, I hope this prayer brightens someone's day:

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP PRAYER:

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Amen!

Have a great Tuesday!

Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.

Notes regarding photos / pictures: These are not all my images. I am using various images from around the web, mostly from public sources and/or private sources used with permission. I have tried to include only images under public domain, creative commons, or fair use. If I have inadvertently violated any copyrights, please inform me and I will remove your image/s (if it is indeed an infringement).

WEIRD NEWS: Quirky Star Wars Viewpoints!

.I think we ALL wish we were Han Solo at one time or another...

I wonder... do Wookies get hairballs?

Hi Everyone,

Got a few posts in the works, but thought I'd drop off a few fun graphics (the one above and below) for your perusal:
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Darth Vader - "Truther" Conspiracy Theory Nut: "Need $$$ to build Deathstar!"

And to top that Darth Beggar photo off, check out this amusing "truther perspective" of how the Deathstar was really destroyed:

http://www.websurdity.com/2007/02/28/uncomfortable-questions-was-the-death-star-attack-an-inside-job/

Yeah, right!

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I have a great weekend planned:

SATURDAY:

- Visit a bunch of friends at the MWS meeting and play games.

- Link to MWS Yahoo E-group:

http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/M_W_S/

- My old buddy Mark should be there who I haven't seen in awhile. Should be lots of fun.

- Mark is hosting a VSF (Victorian Science Fiction) game.

- A link to Mark's photo album (gaming miniatures):

http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j213/MACarper/
- Nils will also be hosting a zombie game.

- Check out his blog (lots of photos) here:

http://blackcavalierswargaming.blogspot.com/

- Wish my bro-in-law Vince happy birthday!

- Chill out and work out.

SUNDAY:

- Go see the new movie "The 300" with a group of friends on an IMAX screen.
- Official "The 300" web site:

http://300themovie.warnerbros.com/

- The real historical Battle of Thermopylae that inspired the movie:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Thermopylae

- A Wiki page for the comic book of "The 300":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/300_%28comic_book%29

- A movie review by Debbie Schlussel of "The 300":

http://www.debbieschlussel.com/archives/2007/03/weekend_box_off_43.html

http://www.debbieschlussel.com/archives/2007/03/300_not_an_anti.html

- Possibly go pick up a new bed mattress from an old neighbor.
- Chill out and work out. It should be good.

I have mixed feelings about seeing "The 300." On one hand, I love the history of The Battle of Thermopylae, but on the other hand, the previous film "Sin City" was WAY TOO gory for me. Very tasteless, it was. On the other hand, my buddy Vynnie of RIF (Recon In Force) invited me and he should be there with a number of our other friends... and we get to see it on the giant IMAX screen... so, I guess, if nothing else, the company should trump the film if it's really bad.

Vynnie's web site:

http://www.recon-in-force.com/index.html

*** Any good weekend plans yourself? ***

Have a great Friday!

Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.

P.S.

Haven't posted a "gratuitous babe" in awhile so here goes:

Notes regarding photos / pictures: These are not all my images. I am using various images from around the web, mostly from public sources and/or private sources used with permission. I have tried to include only images under public domain, creative commons, or fair use. If I have inadvertently violated any copyrights, please inform me and I will remove your image/s (if it is indeed an infringement).

GAMING NEWS: ASL Day! (19 February 2007)

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This is a typical ASL kit, a container of chits, a set of maps, dice, and a handy-dandy kitchen table.

Hi Everyone,

With the flu I've suffered the past few weeks I haven't been able to keep up the blog as well as I'd like to. A few weeks ago, I was able to get together with my friend Charley at his buddy Roger's place and have an ASL Day. It was a good day, and ASL (Advanced Squad Leader) is one of those "cult classic" games that is always a blast to pull out.

Charley can be an intense guy, but don't be fooled.
He's really a "teddy bear" behind the "Ted Kazynski" stare.

Now, Roger can be quite the funny man.
His jokes made me chuckle several times during the day.

ASL is best known as being a rules-heavy game. It was developed over a number of years as a hex & chit game, meaning that the game is based around chits (small square cardboard playing pieces) moving around on a hexagonal map. It has had so many expansions that you practically need a PhD to really master the game. Despite all the rules, the game can be really fun to play with the right group of friends... and this game was fun with the right group of friends.

The briefing sheet for the scenario we played "The Sons of Galilee."
It lists all the of the units involved as well as a few rules and a historical precis.

The game started off with the Syrian invading forces entering from the Southern (bottom) and Eastern (bottom right) ends of the map.
Note that almost all of the forces are covered with question marks since all of the units were as of yet unidentified at this point in the game.

Charley knows that I have a keen interest in the Arab-Israeli conflict so he agreed to play a scenario from the Genesis '48 expansion, which replicates the 1948 Israeli War for Independence. We played a scenario near the beginning of the war in which a Syrian invading force of French and British-built armored cars supported by infantry attempts to overrun an Israeli Kibbutz (village settlement) in the North. Charley played the Israeli defenders and I (Maksim) played the Syrian invaders. Roger moderated and refereed the game as well as cracking jokes all day long.

At this point in the game, you can see that the Syrian armored cars have surrounded Israeli positions as well as the Kibbutz outskirts.

And this last game shot is near the end, Charley's Israelis are clustered in the center of the Kibbutz with Syrians surrounding them.

I (Maksim) won as the Syrian player although, to be very fair to poor Charley, the dice weren't treating him well. We still all had a good time. Roger acted as moderator and offered advice at several points in the game to me since I hadn't played ASL in a LONG time. We all went out to a nice lunch afterwards. Roger is also quite the hobby craftsman as well. I took several shots of some of his fine hobby work.

Roger had several work benches, but this is one in a typical state of disarray.

This is a very interesting diorama piece that Roger built of a 1/285 or 6mm scale science-fiction robot, a "Mad Cat" battlemech from the very popular Battletech background.

This is a beautifully done 54mm "Christmas Sophie" from Reaper Miniatures.
It's still in an early stage of painting.

Roger also build plastic model kits including this excellent AFV (Armored Fighting Vehicle), one of many he had displayed.

I want to thank Roger for hosting and Charley for playing ASL with me. Many thanks, guys!

Have a great Monday!

Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.

P.S.
You can find all of the photos I took from the session here:

http://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f23/Maksim-Smelchak/Gaming%202007/ASL_2-19-2007/

PERSONAL NEWS: Pinewood Derby Day (4 March 2007)

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My Bro-in-law showing off his awesome Master Pinewood Crafter skills.

Hi Everyone and especially my Sister and her Kids,

Busy weekend and a busy past week or two... sickness has kept me down, but I'm on the recovery path now and got a couple of shots of my newphews' and niece's pinewood derby cars.

Austin's "Leafwood Racer" before the wheels have been attached.

For those not in the know, Pinewood Derby Car Racing is a time-honored tradition in the scouting youth programs and every year, children across the United States buy blocks of pine dood and carve themselves out cars, attaching wheels in the process. Then the cars are taken to big ramps and raced in different heats to see who has the fastest pinewood derby racer of them all. Winners tend to weigh around five pounds and have well-lubricated wheels (wheels are usually lubricated with graphite). So, enough with the words and onto the rest of the photos:

Tori's "Slugbug Special" being weighed. Love the pyschedelic stickers!

All of the rest of the boys wanted more standard racers.

These are Vincent's, Quinn's, and Ryan's racers.

This is my Bro-in-law's classic racer... probably carved sometime in the 1970s. It has cool US Navy stickers on it, carefully borrowed from plastic model kits from the day!

Here's one more shot of a boy's racer along with my sister's car: "The Cheesewood Racer."

Have a great Sunday!

Shalom,

Maksim-Smelchak.

P.S.

The rest of the shots can be found here:

http://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f23/Maksim-Smelchak/Personal_2007/Pinewood-Derby_3-4-2007/

PERSONAL NEWS: Happy Birthday, Mom!

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Happy birthday, Mom!

Happy birthday to the lady who taught me how to read, paint, draw, write, eat, swim, be gracious, use good manners, eat peas, and all of the the other good things that went into making me - me!

Thanks, Mom! Being the quintessential English teacher she is, she always like to point out that her birthday is the only command of the year: March forth!

I'm still glad it was you and I hope your day is a wonderful one!

Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.

Notes regarding photos / pictures: These are not all my images. I am using various images from around the web, mostly from public sources and/or private sources used with permission. I have tried to include only images under public domain, creative commons, or fair use. If I have inadvertently violated any copyrights, please inform me and I will remove your image/s (if it is indeed an infringement).