HUMOUR: Experiments in Literature...

Hi Guys,

My friend Claudio from Italy sent this to me:

(WARNING *** Strong Language! ***)

(WARNING *** Read at Your Own Peril! ***)

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca )

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.

"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam! flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.

Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously! excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.

"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.

Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.

The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA???

Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A**hole.

(Gary)

Bitch.

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

If that had you laughing, it got me too... and this picture of a laughing dog also got me:

Claudio is part of the Ten Worlds (TW) project, probably the most exciting space opera backgrounds created since Traveller.

Ken Burnside owns the TW world and it's amazing. He's a great guy and has very generously helped me with much good advice while I'm in the process of designing my own sci-fi game, "Planetfall." He markets games using the TW background from his company Ad Astra, which can be found here:

http://www.adastragames.com/

"Attack Vector: Tactical" has won several well deserved awards and it's an amazing groundbreaking game, if a little complicated for some gaming groups. Ken also owns a license to produce games set in the Honor Harrington universe from the bestselling sci-fi novels by David Weber.

To learn more about Honor Harrington, please check out this link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honor_Harrington

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Update: My friend Yehuda had also heard of this joke and sent in this earlier version of it which he added a link to in the comments section for this post.

Yehuda's excellent web site can be found here:

http://jergames.blogspot.com/

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Oh, and...

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY to my American readers!

A patriotic tune:

http://www.scoutsongs.com/lyrics/grandoldflag.html

I share this offering from Thomas Sowell for Fourth of July celebrants:

(Warning *** Politically incorrect material! Read at your own risk! ***)

http://jewishworldreview.com/cols/sowell070306.asp

If you haven't heard of Thomas Sowell, he's best known as a writer of some wicked polemics. I took several classes on intellectual thought back when I was in university and one particularly broad-minded professor assigned him as well as the usual assortment of Sartre, Che Guevara and Marx. I enjoyed reading several of his books. You can learn more about him here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Sowell

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Have a great day!

Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.